So, I’m stuck in college county, the good old Carlow, on my own for the weekend. What do I do? Throw a house party, of course! No, sorry, I mixed myself up with a cool kid who has friends for a second there. Of course I don’t throw a house party! I sit inside all day, music blaring, and write a query letter and synopsis.
To answer your question: yes, I was born this cool.
I’m not gonna tell you how to write a query letter. I’m not qualified to. I know as much as you do about queries. Unless you’re an agent or a published author. In which case: ‘hi’ and ‘sorry for you having to read this rubbish’. Or, y’know, unless you’re an absolutely hopelessly bad writer. Which I am not.
I hope.
I present:
How Not to Write a Query Letter (for better examples see here and here.) Or, How to be a Winner Like Charlie Sheen.
Dear Mistress/Master of the Pen/TypeWriter/iPad/Computer,
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a 78-year-old vampire pensioner, who is disillusioned with life and has a rampant libido? Stephenie Meyer has. (See Day Break, due for publication in 2051.) Margarine Snufflepod has. Once a normal old lady, privy to doing crosswords and knitting, now the Vampire Queen of the Underworld. Stalked by her lost-long son, Buffy Snufflepod, Margarine must stop him from killing her. It’s kill or be killed. Now with a barren uterus, she doesn’t want to kill him. Unfortunate situation, that.
However, shit gets real when she falls in love with a 17-year-old super sexy vampire, and a werewolf with rippling abs and a squishy nose. Buffy Snufflepod, her son, decides he cannot kill his mother, but can kill her young, possibly underage, lovers. And so begins an epic chase to Mordor, where the Ring/Item of Importance, must be destroyed.
SUPERCOOLAWESOMEBOOKOFWONDERS is my partially completed YA/cosy mystery/romance/action novel. It is currently 125,000 words long and is the first of a fifteen part story arc. It is like Harry Potter meets the Bible, with elements of Murder, She Wrote and Shakespeare’s greatest tragi-comedies. I don’t like Romeo and Juliet, so it’s not like that. It’s also a bit like Skins, insofar as there’s an evil therapist who harnesses the power of the baseball bat, and there’s a funny misunderstood ginger. It will appeal to everyone and be a multi million dollar bestseller.
I have known your clients Banksy, the enigmatic street artist, and J.K. Rowling (I think she’s your client. If not, I’m sure you’ve heard of her?) for several years. Please find pasted below photographic proof of said claims. I have written since I was six and have self-published many books as I believe the world cannot be deprived of my literary genius. May I request that my advance be forwarded to me prior to contract signing in the form of a jar full of one cent pennies? I do not trust the banks, especially as I still do not know what a tracker mortgage is.
Yours in good faith and health, etc.
Me.
Photographic proof:
An ironic post-modernist non-cubist era representation of me, as painted by Banksy.
One of Joanne Kathleen's characters that was loosely based on me.
Seriously, Joanne, I'm considering suing. This is uncanny.
Thank you for your time. I’m sure we’ll have a long and beautiful relationship together with frequent visits to the beach, where we will walk hand-in-hand and sing lovely songs together. May I suggest “Fuck You” by Cee-Lo as it’s a favourite of mine. Peace out.
-
Er…yeah. I might be a tad nuts. But there you go: that’s how not to write a query letter. As for how to write a query letter? Don’t ask me. Ask QueryShark or Nathan Bransford or something.
My actual query letter is a bit rubbish and far less entertaining than SUPERCOOLAWESOMEBOOKOFWONDERS.
Dear Agent,
On Christams Day, Lexi Dwyer woke up in a hospital in Canada to find that she is the sole survivor of a plane crash that killed 163 others. Since January 8th, she has written letters to a dead boy. She thinks that Liam, the boy she writes to, survived. He didn’t.
Faced with instant fame for her status as sole survivor, she has to fend off journalists and religious crazies. Misguided adults ask for prayers while their children stare and ask for autographs as if she’s Justin Bieber. Add a complicated relationship with an older man into the mix, and life is anything but normal. On top of that, Liam’s ‘survival’ is literally driving her mad. Plagued by nightmares and frequent visits from Liam, can she keep her sanity in the most tumultuous year of her life?
A ROCKET TO THE MOON is my edgy YA novel complete at 60,000 words. Thank you for your time.
See, far less exciting. Any suggestions? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. I BEG OF YOU. No, for reals, any comments would be appreciated, unless they’re spam. Those will be doubly appreciated because spam is funny.
Peace, Love, and Potter,
Lisa.
Paul Carroll
A W Marsden
sampriestley
Brendan McLoughlin
Paul Begadon
Mar 06, 2011 @ 20:24:28
Dear Agent,
On Christams Day, Lexi Dwyer woke up in a hospital in Canada to find that she is the sole survivor of a plane crash that killed 163 others. This is a bit wordy, needs to be snappier. Since January 8th, she has written letters to a dead boy. Why? She thinks that Liam, the boy she writes to, survived. He didn’t. Again, why?
Faced with instant fame for her status as sole survivor, she has to fend off journalists and religious crazies. Misguided adults ask for prayers while their children stare and ask for autographs as if she’s Justin Bieber. I like this! Add a complicated relationship with an older man into the mix, Who? How is he important to her/the story? and life is anything but normal. ‘Normal’ went out the window with a plane crash, don’t state the obvious. On top of that, Liam’s ‘survival’ is literally driving her mad. Plagued by nightmares and frequent visits from Liam, He’s visiting her now? Ooer! I thought he was dead? Or isn’t he? can she keep her sanity in the most tumultuous year of her life? So what is her goal? To survive? Stay sane? Meh, every day we get out of bed our goal is to survive and stay sane. That’s boring, that’s PASSIVE GOAL. What is her ACTIVE GOAL? What is she trying to achieve? What is the BIG BAD/OHNOES that she has to overcome before we get to the end of the story?
A ROCKET TO THE MOON is my edgy YA novel complete at 60,000 words. Thank you for your time.
The following is advice from Jodi Meadows, who has, among other things, spent time as a query reader for a literary agency:
Here are the four things your query blurb needs to have.
1. Your protag and their problem
2. What they’re going to do about that problem
3. Conflicts that keep them from achieving their goal
4. Stakes: what happens if they don’t succeed. (Why the reader should care.)
The story part of your query (not the title/genre/credits) should be about 150-200 words. I tend to set mine up in this three paragraph structure:
1st paragraph: Introduction to the character and their problems. What they’re going to do about it. (This paragraph gets the reader invested in the character and his/her story.)
2nd paragraph: Introduces complications and possibly another character. Things get worse. Worldbuilding tidbits are awesome.
3rd paragraph: Big bad or big onoes! is revealed. Big stakes. Character has to make an impossible choice. Reader shouldn’t be able to see a way out. Reader should need to read the story to find out what happens.
Now, that’s just how I do it, and I don’t follow it religiously or anything. The structure is made to be played with. But if you’re not sure where to start, hopefully that will help you with a foundation.
You can see her weekly Query Project, in which she critiques queries (both real and practice) on her blog at http://jmeadows.livejournal.com
Mar 06, 2011 @ 22:13:03
I HATE QUERY LETTERS.
The big bad oh noes *is* that she’s going bonkers. It’s a pity I can’t just send the synopsis in place of this query. I have a wicked synopsis written.
I could have a go at re-structuring it into three paragraphs and fleshing it out more. The idea is that Liam comes to represent her mental health. In the beginning, he appears briefly and doesn’t speak to her. As time progresses, she sees him more and more – until they have fully fledged conversations. On top of that, every time she sees him, he looks more and more like someone’s who has drowned, but she doesn’t join the dots.
It’s a tough ‘un to explain but I’ll have to give it another go.
Thanks, Andy.
Appreciated.
Mar 06, 2011 @ 23:25:42
Attempt no. 2:
Since January 8th, Lexi Dwyer has written letters to a dead boy. On Christmas Day, Lexi woke in a hospital in Canada to find that she is the sole survivor of a horrible plane crash. She writes letters to Liam, a boy she believes survived because of a desperate pact made in the freezing waters of the North Atlantic Ocean. He didn’t.
Faced with instant fame, worried parents, and a boyfriend she can’t bear to look at, Lexi has no idea what to do, so pretends nothing has happened – a hard task given that journalists chase her for interviews, religious crazies beg for prayers and children stare and ask for autographs as if she’s Justin Bieber.
Suffering from a wicked case of PTSD, Liam begins to visit Lexi, holding whole conversations with her. Sure of his existence, Lexi embarks on a journey to find him and bring him home…but he’s gone into hiding. How can she find a boy who doesn’t exist?
Better?
That last line is absolute shit but I can’t think of anything better. -_-’